So lately, I have really been struggling with my worth and/or purpose. I have really found that being a stay-at-home mother is an incredible blessing and wonderful job. But, it does leave much to be desired in the personal growth category. I think yesterday just really broke me. With all the planning for our reunion, it made me examine what I have done in the last 10 years. I got pretty upset and discouraged with myself. Many have told me that I "have accomplished so much". . ."You have 4 beautiful children". . ."being a mother is the hardest thing to do". . .etc. But what does that really mean? If you are a mother with 4 small kids, it means you have no outside interests, no life, no time for friends, not much of anything that defines you as a person. I have let go of Jannelle and become just "their mama."
I have tried for years to find a balance. I can't go out and get a job. How would I pay for childcare for 3 kids during the day? I would hate to miss out on being with them and why would I want to have someone else raise them when I have a financial situation that allows me to stay home. So realistically it doesn't make sense. I get pretty angry at times because I have no break or refuge. I don't have "mom" living down the street or in the same house (like some I know) to give me a day away. I don't have the extra money to pay someone to keep all 4 of them so I can have a date night with my husband. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays all come and go without any special acknowledgement. It's frustrating and difficult. If I remember right the last time we got away by ourselves was July 09 (for less than 24 hours) and before that was when Noah was an infant. So, I struggle to keep my mind and heart open. I want to cherish these years, but find myself wanting them to pass quickly. Allen tells me that I am being selfish and makes me feel as if I am so horrible for needing/wanting time to myself. Sure that makes sense, coming from a man, who gets to leave anytime he needs to. He has the sense of stability and security to know that I will take care of it all. And I know, that is the way God intended it to be, but there must be balance. Right??
I get lost in my head a lot of the time. I get overwhelmed and shut down. God has really opened my eyes to my methods of madness over the last year. I get scared and just want to run away. He has really put me in a situation that I can't run from and must stand up and face it. Maybe that is the point of this past year? Maybe that is what I needed to understand all along? Maybe HE just wanted me to get it?! Wow, I love the way blogging makes you really stop and think! Intense! Oh how I wish I had the quiet time to continue and really dig deep. Maybe someday. Until then, I'm off to change a stinky diaper. . .again.
**On a kid friendly note, Lyla decided that she needed an apple today. Noah had left the refrigerator door open, so she went in and helped herself. I always cut the apples for them and take off the peel. I get worried that they will choke, so I have never let her have one with peel. It was hilarious to say the least! She is such a doll. Asher saw her doing this and just about freaked. He is my little mother hen and gets so protective of his siblings. It's so sweet of him.
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