Silence is such a virtue. . .

My Grandma always said, "silence is such a virtue." I am sad to say I never really listened. I am pretty sure I left the womb and started talking. I could honestly talk to a hole in the wall. I do not care if a person responds or not, I just love to talk. I always got into tons of trouble in school. If you ever wanted to know something, all you had to do was ask me! lol I would tell my life story to a stranger and in Tennessee this seems to be such a common thing. I fit right in here!! I love it!

Another thing my Grandma always told me was to just keep my mouth shut if I didn't have anything kind to say. That is more along the line of where I have been this past week. I have not forgotten about my blog, but I really haven't had anything nice to say about anything. Honestly, it's been a downer of a week! lol I figured it was best to just step back and live "off the paper" for a few days. Can't say that it has done much good though. I'm even more frustrated with the lack of a good outlet. I have had so many "hits" on here so I am a bit scared about who is reading my thoughts. I guess I am just getting a bit afraid of the possible consequences of my words. It was (at first) just a sweet secret place to get my thoughts out. The newness has worn off and things are getting real. It is a bit refreshing, yet scary as hell. Is that not the way of this world??!!

Aren't all situations like this? The new feeling wears off and people start letting their true feelings/personalities come shining through. Or is it that people just change and grow into someone different? Do our situations change us? Do we mold into what we are forced to by our environment? I think the jury is still out on this one. At least in my house.

 I have never mastered the art of "shutting up."  I am, however, learning that just keeping things to myself will always be a good idea. Seriously, I am just one person. I do not have anything original or magical to say ,so maybe I should just "shut up!" LOL  Like I've said before, I feel too deeply and think even deeper. I have always been this way.  Allen feels that I am "dramatic" about all things, but I don't. I do wear my feelings on my sleeves and feel so strongly. Maybe there isn't a difference in that and being dramatic. I don't really know. I have lost the faith in trying to figure it out. I just want to find happiness. Self- happiness!!! I wonder if I ever will. I wonder if I even deserve it. Do my obligations and my anchor hold me to this unhappiness? Do I think that I deserve real, true happiness? Honestly, I'm not sure at this point. I just see the long road of uncertainty and confusion layed out in front of me. It's a scary thing to walk on alone. At some point, I am going to have to start the journey down it. I just can't muster up the courage at this point. wow, that is sad! I'm so embarrassed for my kids to ever read this. What a coward I am! How can I teach them to be self-loving people? It sure isn't by my example. Gosh, that is a frightening thought! This is such a world of angry people and I'm one of them. What a disappointment I am. Guess to some extent my parents were right. They told me when I left the house for the last time, "You're nothing and will never be anything other than angry and pathetic."  (I couldn't never forget those words! EVER!!) For a few years after I left, I tried so hard to appear happy on the outside, mostly to simply prove them wrong. I knew I was never really fulfilled on the inside. Deep down. . .I knew it! I would have never admitted it to a soul (or myself, to be completely honest).

Almost 8 years later, I'm finally wanting and emotionally able to deal with it all. It's such a process. Dragging up all these thoughts, memories, and heartache is so confusing and heartbreaking. I just keep looking at Lyla J. and wondering how she would turn out if I didn't find a way to change myself. Would she be a weak, sad woman like me? I can't chance it! I have to change it!!! She and my boys are so beautiful and innocent. I may question everyday if I am worth the process, but I will NEVER question that they ARE important enough to complete it. They are my motivation. They are the light at the end of this heartbreak I feel. They were born into my care and my arms, but they will be the ones that deliver me! What a beautiful gift!