I'm exhausted. . .

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time. I went to Indiana and Illinois. I left at around 7:30 with Asher and Jaxon in tow. We had a blast on the drive there. Nothing like a long drive with my older boys. They keep me laughing and were so full of life. I was exhausted before we even got to our first destination. We had to meet my in-laws at CVS in Evansville around 10ish. I have never driven back home by myself before, so this was interesting. It was good to be back in Evansville. So many memories flooded back. The boys didn't really care much for my stories of when Jaxon was a baby. They were just so excited to see Grandma Evelyn and Papa!

We got there and went right into CVS. Both boys had to use the bathroom and so did I. We found them and the boys were just overjoyed. I love seeing their faces when they see their Grandparents. It is such a sweet, pure feeling. What a blessing. I chatted for a bit and Asher hung all over Papa for about 10 minutes and then it was time to head out. Jaxon is staying with them until Wednesday. It is his spring break tradition. It makes him so happy! I love it.

Asher and I ran over to Wal-Mart and filled up with gas. Then we headed to Illinois. I planned to go to Carmi and see my Grandma Peggy. This is so hard to type and I know I am not going to do it justice. I just don't want to get too deep with it. I think I will avoid the massive headache for tonight. I finally made it to Carmi. I called Allen and asked him if he thought I was doing the right thing. He said that he thought it was good for me to make up my own mind and do this one on my own. I was angry at first, but he was right. I need to learn to do more things on my own. This was a life-changing decision. A heartbreaking decision. I'm glad that I made it myself.

We finally got to the place and I found a parking spot after driving around to make sure my mother was not there. That was a "reunion" I did not want to deal with right now. I got Asher out of the car and we went in. I have only been there 3 other times, but I remember the way to the dinning room. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without surprise, Grandma did not know who I was and her sister, Betty (my great-aunt, who is in the same shape as Grandma) became very verbally violent with me and I grabbed Asher and headed to the door. I noticed so many things about my Grandma that made my stomach turn. She had this bright red fingernail polish on. My Grandmother would never, EVER wear red polish. That is just something that she never had the guts to pull off and I was always thankful for that.  She always took great care of her fingernails and she was always so natural and beautiful. I also noticed that her hair looked horrible. It looked like they had not washed it in days. Grandma always took such care of her hair. I remember running my fingers through it all the time growing up. She was always talking about going to the salon to have it done. That was a topic of conversations every time I ever saw her. I remember the curlers she would put in every night. I love watching her role it up while watching 20/20 on a Friday night. Oh those are the memories that I will always cherish.

I was just heartbroken that she had changed so much. I am going to choose to forget that yesterday happened. I am going to choose to remember her they way she was. I am going to choose to embrace the memories and pass those along to my children. I am going to remember all the times she helped me and picked me up and took care of me. I am going to cherish the pictures I have of her and pass them onto my kids also. I am so happy that I finally had the courage to make this trip. It definitely did not go the way I plan out in my head, but I am thankful that I now the truth. The Grandma I knew has been gone for a long time. I am on the way to accepting it and letting go. I need to for my own sanity and my family's. I need to mourn her and the hole it will forever leave in my heart. I need to understand that the Lord has already blessed me with so many years with her. I am grateful and full because of her love.

What a thief this disease is! I'm so sad that my Asher had to see this whole thing, but also I'm happy because we had a heartfilled conversation about it after we got in the car. It was a great learning experience for us both. Asher looked at me and said so sweetly, "Mama, I'm so sorry your Grandma doesn't know who you are." I just about cried. I tried to choke back the tears. I just squeezed him and told him how much I love him. He is such a tender-hearted boy. So precious!! 

This was definitely the short version of yesterday's adventure. I didn't really have the time to get too detailed. I just wanted to get some of this out so I would sleep a little easier tonight. It was a hard night last night. I knew I needed to document such an experience.