Let's get down to business. . .

It's been a while since I have had a good long blog. It's been wildly busy the last couple of weeks. I don't think I have sat down at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. It has been particularly tough to feel the ability to really let my feelings out here. I have learned that a few unwanted  people have been given my blog site address and/or contents of my posts. It seems like a minor thing to most, but in my family and in-law family, it's a HUGE deal. What a bummer!  It seems that unless I disconnect myself completely from every family member I know, (which is NOT an option) I will never get rid of these people. Goodness, when I heard as a child, "It's a small world"  I never actually believed it. Well yep, it's true!

I am determined not to let them stop me. I am stronger than they give me credit for.  If they want to know about my life and my children's lives then. . .ok come on! I guess if they are cowards that can't muster up the courage to call and ask ME themselves, then oh well. It is such a short life. I want to do what I can with it. I don't and won't live in fear. I do find it funny how this entire family thinks that I am the big bad wolf. Am I that scary?? LOL LOL Seriously, get an education and get over yourselves. Insane!!! I always joke with Allen and say, "Maybe my next set of in-laws will be better" and then he says the same thing to me!  LOL

Well, Easter is right around the corner and we are clueless on plans this year. I'm was pretty bummed at first, but as I talked with others about my concerns, I think we have a plan. For some months now, we have been struggling as a family to overcome our recent "departure" for our home church (for reasons that I choose not to discuss on my blog, due to the recent "lurkers.") We have been out of church for around 8 months. It has been a nightmare. It has torn our family apart in so many different ways. But we are working through it and I KNOW we will make it through this season in our journey. I had such a heavy heart this morning. Jaxon asked me at breakfast this morning, "Mama, are we going to church to sing on Sunday? I don't think I want to this year because I don't know any of the songs." My heart just sank and it took all I had could not to cry. I sucked it up and finished getting everyone ready. After we got home from dropping off Jaxon and running our morning errands, I sat down, as the kids watch Sesame Street, and prayed. I was so saddened by the conversation this morning. I am failing them as a mother. I am letting them forget the most important thing in this journey. I have been too scared, frightened and hurt to try another place. We left everything we had ever known as a family and just didn't look back. I know how hard it has been on me and I just thought the boys were too young to really get it. Nope, they "get it." Wrong again, Mama!!!

So, we are planning on going to a church here in town. Another family that has left just as we did, has invited us to visit with them. It seems like something that we might like. I'm going to pray about it more before we make a final decision, but it is the first time I feel comfortable about the idea. Now, I just have to find Easter outfits for 6 people with only 4 days. LOL Yeah that should be fun!! I love a challenge!

Forgot to post these pictures from this past Saturday. . . I'm so behind!











This is my favorite of Noah and well it sums up the experience of coaching 6 three year olds. LOL



Jaxon and Coach Allen



Asher always looks so determined! I love it!!



Without fail, Grammie and Pa were in the crowd cheering on the boys! What a great support system! :) Jaxon and Asher had games at the same time on back-to-back fields. It was nice to have an extra set of hands to help me!

Picture Post. . .

My heart is so sad to not have my sister in the house anymore. She really helped me out this past weekend. It was great to laugh and talk for hours. I haven't quite had the time to blog about our last 4 days. Each day was filled and every minute utilized. They left me exhausted. I loved it! It was such a blessing.  So here are a few pictures of our last night with Aunt Nena

Happy Birthday Asher Edward. . .

I am officially playing catch-up. I know that yesterday was Asher's 5th birthday, but we have been so busy this week that I didn't have time to post anything. I actually haven't been on the computer in a week or so. It feels great honestly. I am so happy to be so busy that I can't blog. What a great feeling. With soccer and the spring weather, I'm just running all the time. I LOVE it!!!!

My sister is here with us this week and I couldn't be happier. Life is so much better with her around. She is such a great sister and aunt. My kids are so blessed. (Although, she does spoil them too much! lol) She flew in yesterday and I told Asher we had to go back to the airport because I forgot my contact case when I was there on Monday. He totally bought it. I took him and Noah in with me and Allen stayed with Lyla at the arrival gate. We walked in and I called Jeanna to see where she was and she said she was on her way to the baggage claim (where we were.) I then leaned down and told Asher happy birthday and then pointed towards Aunt Nena. He just looked and then you could tell he saw her. Oh my the excitement. It was amazing! Jeanna and I did it. We kept it a surprise for over 6 weeks. That is a miracle in itself. LOL

So she is here until Monday morning and I am going to go spend every free minute with her. I had a few minutes to myself while she is playing outside with the boys. Lyla is napping. What peace there is to have someone who loves them so deeply and that I can trust to respect my "rules and requests" looking after them. I am so blessed to have her. She's simply the BEST!!

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I'm exhausted. . .

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time. I went to Indiana and Illinois. I left at around 7:30 with Asher and Jaxon in tow. We had a blast on the drive there. Nothing like a long drive with my older boys. They keep me laughing and were so full of life. I was exhausted before we even got to our first destination. We had to meet my in-laws at CVS in Evansville around 10ish. I have never driven back home by myself before, so this was interesting. It was good to be back in Evansville. So many memories flooded back. The boys didn't really care much for my stories of when Jaxon was a baby. They were just so excited to see Grandma Evelyn and Papa!

We got there and went right into CVS. Both boys had to use the bathroom and so did I. We found them and the boys were just overjoyed. I love seeing their faces when they see their Grandparents. It is such a sweet, pure feeling. What a blessing. I chatted for a bit and Asher hung all over Papa for about 10 minutes and then it was time to head out. Jaxon is staying with them until Wednesday. It is his spring break tradition. It makes him so happy! I love it.

Asher and I ran over to Wal-Mart and filled up with gas. Then we headed to Illinois. I planned to go to Carmi and see my Grandma Peggy. This is so hard to type and I know I am not going to do it justice. I just don't want to get too deep with it. I think I will avoid the massive headache for tonight. I finally made it to Carmi. I called Allen and asked him if he thought I was doing the right thing. He said that he thought it was good for me to make up my own mind and do this one on my own. I was angry at first, but he was right. I need to learn to do more things on my own. This was a life-changing decision. A heartbreaking decision. I'm glad that I made it myself.

We finally got to the place and I found a parking spot after driving around to make sure my mother was not there. That was a "reunion" I did not want to deal with right now. I got Asher out of the car and we went in. I have only been there 3 other times, but I remember the way to the dinning room. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without surprise, Grandma did not know who I was and her sister, Betty (my great-aunt, who is in the same shape as Grandma) became very verbally violent with me and I grabbed Asher and headed to the door. I noticed so many things about my Grandma that made my stomach turn. She had this bright red fingernail polish on. My Grandmother would never, EVER wear red polish. That is just something that she never had the guts to pull off and I was always thankful for that.  She always took great care of her fingernails and she was always so natural and beautiful. I also noticed that her hair looked horrible. It looked like they had not washed it in days. Grandma always took such care of her hair. I remember running my fingers through it all the time growing up. She was always talking about going to the salon to have it done. That was a topic of conversations every time I ever saw her. I remember the curlers she would put in every night. I love watching her role it up while watching 20/20 on a Friday night. Oh those are the memories that I will always cherish.

I was just heartbroken that she had changed so much. I am going to choose to forget that yesterday happened. I am going to choose to remember her they way she was. I am going to choose to embrace the memories and pass those along to my children. I am going to remember all the times she helped me and picked me up and took care of me. I am going to cherish the pictures I have of her and pass them onto my kids also. I am so happy that I finally had the courage to make this trip. It definitely did not go the way I plan out in my head, but I am thankful that I now the truth. The Grandma I knew has been gone for a long time. I am on the way to accepting it and letting go. I need to for my own sanity and my family's. I need to mourn her and the hole it will forever leave in my heart. I need to understand that the Lord has already blessed me with so many years with her. I am grateful and full because of her love.

What a thief this disease is! I'm so sad that my Asher had to see this whole thing, but also I'm happy because we had a heartfilled conversation about it after we got in the car. It was a great learning experience for us both. Asher looked at me and said so sweetly, "Mama, I'm so sorry your Grandma doesn't know who you are." I just about cried. I tried to choke back the tears. I just squeezed him and told him how much I love him. He is such a tender-hearted boy. So precious!! 

This was definitely the short version of yesterday's adventure. I didn't really have the time to get too detailed. I just wanted to get some of this out so I would sleep a little easier tonight. It was a hard night last night. I knew I needed to document such an experience.

Jaxon Alexander . . .

What a day it has been for our sweet Jaxon. I am such a proud Mama!!  Yesterday we took Jaxon out of school a couple of hours early, so he missed going to the book fair during library time. He was a little bummed, but was excited to spend the afternoon with Grammie, Pa, Grandpa Michael, and Paula. It was Grammie's birthday today and Grandpa Michael's was this past Sunday. A little late and a little early on celebrating birthdays. It was so nice to have such a great lunch with everyone. The kids were all calm and everyone was able to talk and enjoy each other. Since Jaxon was a bit bummed about missing the book fair, I made sure he had his money in backpack for today. He got in the car and was so excited to show me his book. He bought "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." with the money Aunt Nena sent him for his great report card. He got eight dollars (a dollar for each A). The book was $7.67 after tax. He was thrilled to have enough. He is such an avid reader and would rather read than play outside or watch tv. I am so blessed!!

After he got in the car, he told me all about the book fair and how he got change back and how excited he was to have bought the book. It was just him and I in the car since Dad was working from home today and the 3 younger kids were with him. It was great to give him one-on-one time! I love our talks. We got home and worked on our homework. He had extra stuff because he missed two hours yesterday. It took us a bit, but Dad was home so he helped keep the others busy. He is so smart and flies through his spelling tests. He has me totally blown away. I was terrible at spelling in school. (I still am actually!)

We have known for a few months that Jaxon was December Student of the Month, but he hadn't been recognized for it since the PTO meeting in January was cancelled due to snow. While we were getting ready for the PTO meeting, Jaxon and I were in the bathroom. I had just finished flossing and brushing my teeth and thought I should take a look at his. His front tooth has been loose for a bit, but not enough to really do anything with. I knew that this tooth was going to be a tough one. When Jaxon was two, he fell and hit his tooth on the floor. This fall caused his tooth to turn a little black and pushed it up into the gums a bit. I called the dentist and they said at two years old there wasn't much they could do for him unless it was causing him pain (which it wasn't). So we just lived with it. When he went to the dentist for a cleaning last August, Dr. Givens said that they would have to pull the tooth because the x-rays showed that the tooth was fused to the bone. At that point, he hadn't lost any other teeth, so they recommended waiting until he was seven. So long story short. . . the tooth finally came out. It took us about an hour to pull. He was such a trooper. I pulled and wiggled for a while and then he would mess with it. He was so fascinated that there was so much blood. He thought he was such a "cool guy!" I was so grossed out, but then my "mother mind" kicked in! I really didn't want an extra dentist bill! We had to pull it!!!!

After Dad messed with it some more, he decided his fingers were too big and he couldn't get them n there. So Mama to the rescue!! I finally got in there and yanked it out! I wish I could have recorded his reaction! It was such a beautiful sound to hear him squealing with delight! He was so thrilled. Me too!! We pulled it out just in time to get everything together and get to the PTO meeting. It was close, but we got there and got a seat before the meeting started. It was so sweet to see him receive his reward. He was so proud and full of smiles. I just loved seeing all of us there with him and supporting him. Noah and Asher were so excited to be in his school and yelled and hollered when they said his name. Priceless!!!!

Got to get the kids off to bed. Enjoy the pics! What a great day!! :)



Mean Mug!! He's hilarious!



Thanks Aunt Nena!!!!



Mama and Jaxon waiting for the PTO meeting to start



Mrs. Dorris and Jaxon



She is the BEST!!!! I am so thankful for her!!



Congratulations Jaxon Alexander!!!!

I'm dragging today. . .

This has been a tough day for me and it's not even noon yet. I'm physically just exhausted. I wish I could keep myself going, but it's impossible with this migraine. I'm really getting tired of these things. It seems I get them so much more these days. I called Allen a little bit ago to just check in with him and see how his day was going. He asked how the kids were and how I was feeling. He knows that this time of the month is getting harder and harder on me and is always making sure I'm handling everything alright. He's such a great guy like that. lol Last night I was whining and being crabby with him and he looked at me and said, "Gosh, I wish you were pregnant. . . there would be no pms!" I agreed!! But man, those natural births aren't a cake walk either. I think I'll take the pms over a newborn again.

Today the kids and I are just enjoying one of our rare "calm" days. We have nothing scheduled and no soccer practices this week (due to tournament play). Asher and Noah are watching Shrek and I'm trying to get caught up on some picture editing with Lyla J. She is sitting in her high chair eating her lunch with me. She is having such a battle with a runny nose. She is cutting her 4 molars and although the top 2 have cut through, she is still in a lot of pain. I think I might actually see one of her eye teeth coming in too. She isn't very willing to let me get a good look inside and I'm not looking for a bite, so I'll just wait for better timing.

She is just hilarious. Even when she is snotty nosed and has a nasty attitude, she is still just so funny. I love her long hair falling into her eyes. Her little blonde streak of hair falling just above her eye lids. What a beautiful sight. Her rosy cheeks when she first wakes up from her nap. The smell of her breath after a long sleep. It is something that I am really going to miss as she gets older. I love this age and all the "new adventures" it brings. What a blessing she is to us all. I am overwhelmed with her smile. She lights up this place. Her brothers are just so in awe of her. She already has them completely wrapped around her finger. If she wants anything she knows to run to them to get it. Without saying a word, she can get them to do whatever she wants. What a little booger she is!!

I took some pictures this past Friday night. It was our typical, once a month, Friday pizza night. I love it because it means no cooking or real clean up. Nothing better!! Good quality time with the kids and Allen. My idea of heaven. Lyla usually takes her second nap of the day right after we get home from picking up Jaxon. Usually, it is from about 3:15-5pm when Allen get home from work. It works perfectly for me. I can get dinner cooked and ready without my little "ankle biter." Lyla will always wake up when she hears Daddy come in the door (it doesn't help that her brothers start yelling, "Daddy!!" ) Allen will come in and put his stuff down and wash his hands and then go into her room and get her. He brought her out of the room Friday with this wild hair. We just laughed and laughed. I couldn't let it go without getting a great picture of it. LOL



Wild Woman!

Daddy and the kiddos

Jaxon Alexander

Noah Michael

Asher Edward

Lyla Jannelle

Another weekend is a wrap. . .

Well I have been meaning to get on here and get things rolling again, but March is such a busy month in our house. First, I should say a "Happy Birthday!" to the best father-in-law a girl could ask for.  I am so honored to call him "dad." He has always help Allen and I through the years. I am so grateful for the love and kindness he has shown me, especially when he didn't have to.  Through their mended relationship, Allen and his dad, Michael, have taught me many things. God definitely knows when and where to inject people to fill voids in your life. He has filled a great void in me. I am thankful!!

Soccer has officially started!! Woo hoo!! I am pumped. We had a long day at the soccer complex on Saturday. It was beautiful and full of sunshine. I love getting back into the swing of things. It feels SOOO good! Our family is like a well oiled machine when it comes to soccer. We are fanatics (to put it lightly!) LOL I am going to add some pics from Asher's 1st practice. It was the coldest!! I about froze. Our friend, Ron, is coaching Asher's team and is Allen's assistant coach for Jaxon's team.  Allen is his assistant coach and then he is the head coach of Jaxon's team. They work great together! Ron and his wife, Becky have 4 kids that are almost the exact ages as our's (just a few months difference), so they really understand how difficult and rewarding a big family is. It's great to have friends that understand where you are in life. It seems to make things easier!

I have a heavy heart tonight. I'm trying to decided what to do this coming weekend. I am taking Jaxon and Asher to Illinois for the day. I am dropping Jaxon off at his Grandma and Papa's house for spring break week. It is a little tradition that they started last year. I am so happy he gets to spend time with them. It will be something that he will always remember and cherish. After we drop him off I have a whole day to spend in IL. What to do??? I dream of going to see my Grandma, but I'm actually really scared to know how that would turn out. It makes me nervous and sick to my stomach just to think about it. Will my "mother" be there? Will Grandpa be there and ask me to leave like last time? I am dying to visit with her, but on the other hand, I'm not sure how Asher would respond. So I'm still pondering and praying about how to spend the day. I want to go out to my Grandparent's church and show Asher everything out there, but who knows?! I'm not sure what would be the best. So I'm glad I have a few days to pray about it. I want to make sure Asher has a great time too! So whoever is reading, please pray that I am given the right answer and things work out smoothly. I need an easy-going weekend. ;)

Well I didn't sum up the weekend very well, but I am exhausted and I am going to go enjoy a calm, quiet, kid-free night with Allen and the Academy Awards. I am such a fan of the Oscars! I love it!!!! Allen loves to watch something that makes me happy, so he is happy too!  :)



Soccer practice. . .Here I come!!!



Dribbling Drills





Coach Ron trying to get the kids to calm their excitement. LOL

So thankful. . .

Just a few minutes ago I stumbled across a blog of a friend of a friend (if that made any sense? lol). I do not know this family personally, but I just can't help but share. I knew that their child had a rare kind of cancer, but was not aware that things had taken the worst turn. Their little boy passed away about a month ago. I read several posts the mother had written over the last month. I just couldn't stop weeping. I'm still wiping my face and had to force myself to stop reading. I was about to make myself physically sick from crying. I cannot imagine what is going through her heart and head. Her pain and heartache was scattered all throughout her writing. Her life was in such displacement and you could feel her denial. I'm just overwhelmed.

I am so blessed to be a mother to 4 healthy babies. Every time I complain or whine about "this" or "that" I should just close my mouth. I was reading their blog and Noah was sitting next to me on the couch. Jaxon, Asher, and Lyla were already in bed and since Noah took a nap he got to stay up a bit later. I just sat back and watched him play with his Elmo. Tears just flowed down my face. His head was down and he was talking to Elmo as if he was his best friend. His hair is in desperate need of a cut so he has these hairs that hang down over his ears. It itches him sometimes and he kept scratching his ear. I just watched him. I thought about how this little boy was Noah's age and how much his Mama and Dad are missing. Each little thing that Noah does all day, what if I were to miss those things? I struggle to send them to the bathroom by himself now, how could I let him go completely?? This mother is in so much pain and it makes me just weep. I am counting my blessings tonight and squeezing my Noah a bit tighter. Can you really say, "I love you" enough??? I don't think so!  I just wanted to share my thoughts. Noah is sleepy and I'm going to let him sleep with me until Daddy is finished working. I think I am doing it more for me than I am him. I just want to cuddle with my babies while they will still let me. I am so thankful and have a full heart tonight!

This is not the post I wanted to do tonight, but it will do. I have so many things to catch up on, but I felt this was much more heart appropriate. I always want my children to know how thankful I am for them and how blessed they have made me. God has been so good to me and realizing this makes all that other baggage and stress just melt away. I want to feel this content all the time! I love it!!

Soccer begins. . .

Tonight was Noah's first ever soccer practice. Wow, it was a cold one. I'm coaching his team this season. I was definitely more excited than he was. I was ready to have practice this morning. lol I kept telling Noah all day that we had practice tonight and he would just grin and laugh a bit. I thought it was too funny. What a memorable night for me even if he doesn't think so. I was so proud of him. He did great! There were about 2 minutes that he ran off to another spot on the field and did his own thing, but he soon came back when it was time to play "kick the coach." Not my favorite game, I must say. I got a good, hard kick in the ankle tonight. Huge bruise. . .still lots of fun! I love coaching!!

I didn't get very many pictures. I find it a little hard to take pictures and coach at the same time. lol The pictures are going to be smaller, which is a bummer. I'm using my laptop instead of the desktop. But I couldn't wait to post. It was a great night and I really needed it. I feel like "me" again when I'm out being social. I love being in front of people and I feel so much beter when I am exercising. What a terribfic combo (talking and exercising!). Asher has his first practice tomorrow night (weather permitting.)YAY!! Let the WHYS Spring Season begin. . .

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