Surviving Mother's Day. . .

As with many holidays, I was dreading Mother's Day. I've never been one to get all festive and care much about holidays. The month of May was one of the most dreaded months in my house growing up. Although we never knew the exact date as kids, we did know that my mother's only sister (and sibling) was killed in an automobile accident in the first week of May in 1983. As a child, I knew better than to speak to her during this time. It was like she went into an insane rage about everything. She would make our lives' a living hell throughout the entire month. There was a ton of unexplained crying and emotional breakdowns. I had no clue what to expect from day-to-day. Being as Mother's Day is within that time period, it was a "holiday" I decided was best to just skip over.

After becoming a mother myself, I was overwhelmed with the thought of actually celebrating this day. I found myself sitting on the bed crying on my 1st Mother's Day (I was actually still pregnant with Jaxon, so some people don't count that as my 1st "real" one, but I did). I remember being invited to go celebrate with my in-laws and I just declined. I think I said I was tired or something. I'm not really sure what my excuse was, but since I had only been in the family for 5 months, I felt a bit comfortable with just saying, "no thank you." I was so out of my element. Each Mother's Day after that has been about the same. I usually end up on the bed crying and trying to pull myself together. My babies and Allen make the day so special for me, but there is always a part of me that is so sad. I am so angry at God for not allowing me the chance to have a mother. Why did HE allow her to have children if she was going to treat them so terribly? I know so many people who are struggling and desperate to have a child and HE goes and gives her 5 to abuse and tear down. Makes no sense to me! Now, let me make myself clear. . . I am VERY thankful to be alive and have the blessing of raising my babies. I was not saying that I wish I wasn't born. I'm just confused as to why HE allowed such pain to occur. It's one of those things that I'm sure with time I'll find forgiveness and peace with my experience, but as of now, I'm just angry and confused! 

I told Allen on Saturday that I really didn't want to sit around the house. I asked him if he would call his dad and Paula to see if they wanted to meet us for lunch. I love Paula and think she is such a positive person in my life. I love that there is no drama or conflict or judgement from her. She is so wonderful to us. It is so easy to talk to her and have a conversation. Nothing is pushed or forced. I love, love, love being around her and Dad. They are so uplifting and such great people! We ended up meeting them at Chili's for lunch. I made Paula a little gift for Mother's Day and as Allen handed it to her (I was busy midget wrestling the kids. lol) Dad said, "What is this? Paula isn't your mother; you didn't have to get her anything." Paula was just gleaming. It was so sweet to see her so thankful for something I made her. I have done stuff for my mother-in-law like that before and never even got a look in the face, let alone a "Thank you." She always just pushes it to the side and moves on with whatever she is doing. Pretty sure she wishes Allen an I would go jump off a cliff. lol seriously! But at that moment I realized how blessed I am to have Paula in my life. She turned my day around and really gave me hope. Paula and Dad are some of the only people I have in my life that are actually positive, no strings attached, and uplifting. (well that live close to us and we see on a regular basis!)  There is never a "I'll do this for you, but. . . !"  They are just kind people. No drama, no negativity, no degrading comments, no talking behind our backs, no favoritism, nothing negative at all! They give me hope that I can successful rid our lives of all the negative things. And it's nice to just have someone hug you and say, "I love you, kid!"  I miss having parents that care and love. I long for that kind of support system. Having someone to call upon when I am down and broken and they will just hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. What a wonderful thing. My kids don't know how blessed they are to have parents that love them so much and would do anything to keep them from hurting in any way. My heart rejoices for my kids! They will never have to experience that rejection and pain and that is so amazing! 

On a non mother's day note, I cut Lyla J.'s hair for the 1st time on Saturday night. I loved cutting it myself. What a precious memory. She was so wonderful and sat so still. She even let me paint her toenails. It was such a great mother/daughter bonding night. Allen had the boys in the livingroom watching a movie or wrestling or something. LOL I wasn't paying one ounce of attention. Tons of pictures to follow:  

[caption id="attachment_540" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="The before"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_541" align="alignnone" width="655" caption="another before"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_543" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="The after"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_542" align="aligncenter" width="590" caption="such a doll face"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_544" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="Looks so much better, I think! "][/caption]

Sunday morning Grandpa and Na'vi stopped by for a few minutes to play. They had went to Grandma's house to see her for mother's day before church and ran by our house to finalize lunch plans and let the kids see Na'vi.

My favorite picture of the day!

[caption id="attachment_551" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Na'vi is so gentle with Lyla. Even if she isn't as gentle with him. lol"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_554" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="He's getting so big! Beautiful!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Asher staying as far away from Na'vi as possible. He is so afraid of animals. :("][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_556" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Noah Michael and Grandpa Michael"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_555" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Yep, Jaxon is STILL in his pajamas. LOL "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_557" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Lyla yelling for Na'vi to come get her!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_552" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Allen and Dad goofing off with a "presentation of the boys soccer pictures." LOL Those two are something else!"][/caption]

 Mother's Day lunch pictures! I tried to get the kids to get take a picture, but these are the best I could get. bummer!

[caption id="attachment_559" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Not so great"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="a little bit better"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_561" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Yummy chips and salsa"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_562" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Grandpa taking off L.J.'s shoes to see her pretty painted toes. She was so happy to show them off. She's such a girlie girl sometimes!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_563" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Dad and Paula"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_565" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="My Jaxon love"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Beautiful Asher"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_564" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Not a good picture at all, but it shows my new necklace. The older boys picked it out. I love it!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="It's our family tree! I love it!! So thoughtful! :)"][/caption]