Surviving Mother's Day. . .

As with many holidays, I was dreading Mother's Day. I've never been one to get all festive and care much about holidays. The month of May was one of the most dreaded months in my house growing up. Although we never knew the exact date as kids, we did know that my mother's only sister (and sibling) was killed in an automobile accident in the first week of May in 1983. As a child, I knew better than to speak to her during this time. It was like she went into an insane rage about everything. She would make our lives' a living hell throughout the entire month. There was a ton of unexplained crying and emotional breakdowns. I had no clue what to expect from day-to-day. Being as Mother's Day is within that time period, it was a "holiday" I decided was best to just skip over.

After becoming a mother myself, I was overwhelmed with the thought of actually celebrating this day. I found myself sitting on the bed crying on my 1st Mother's Day (I was actually still pregnant with Jaxon, so some people don't count that as my 1st "real" one, but I did). I remember being invited to go celebrate with my in-laws and I just declined. I think I said I was tired or something. I'm not really sure what my excuse was, but since I had only been in the family for 5 months, I felt a bit comfortable with just saying, "no thank you." I was so out of my element. Each Mother's Day after that has been about the same. I usually end up on the bed crying and trying to pull myself together. My babies and Allen make the day so special for me, but there is always a part of me that is so sad. I am so angry at God for not allowing me the chance to have a mother. Why did HE allow her to have children if she was going to treat them so terribly? I know so many people who are struggling and desperate to have a child and HE goes and gives her 5 to abuse and tear down. Makes no sense to me! Now, let me make myself clear. . . I am VERY thankful to be alive and have the blessing of raising my babies. I was not saying that I wish I wasn't born. I'm just confused as to why HE allowed such pain to occur. It's one of those things that I'm sure with time I'll find forgiveness and peace with my experience, but as of now, I'm just angry and confused! 

I told Allen on Saturday that I really didn't want to sit around the house. I asked him if he would call his dad and Paula to see if they wanted to meet us for lunch. I love Paula and think she is such a positive person in my life. I love that there is no drama or conflict or judgement from her. She is so wonderful to us. It is so easy to talk to her and have a conversation. Nothing is pushed or forced. I love, love, love being around her and Dad. They are so uplifting and such great people! We ended up meeting them at Chili's for lunch. I made Paula a little gift for Mother's Day and as Allen handed it to her (I was busy midget wrestling the kids. lol) Dad said, "What is this? Paula isn't your mother; you didn't have to get her anything." Paula was just gleaming. It was so sweet to see her so thankful for something I made her. I have done stuff for my mother-in-law like that before and never even got a look in the face, let alone a "Thank you." She always just pushes it to the side and moves on with whatever she is doing. Pretty sure she wishes Allen an I would go jump off a cliff. lol seriously! But at that moment I realized how blessed I am to have Paula in my life. She turned my day around and really gave me hope. Paula and Dad are some of the only people I have in my life that are actually positive, no strings attached, and uplifting. (well that live close to us and we see on a regular basis!)  There is never a "I'll do this for you, but. . . !"  They are just kind people. No drama, no negativity, no degrading comments, no talking behind our backs, no favoritism, nothing negative at all! They give me hope that I can successful rid our lives of all the negative things. And it's nice to just have someone hug you and say, "I love you, kid!"  I miss having parents that care and love. I long for that kind of support system. Having someone to call upon when I am down and broken and they will just hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. What a wonderful thing. My kids don't know how blessed they are to have parents that love them so much and would do anything to keep them from hurting in any way. My heart rejoices for my kids! They will never have to experience that rejection and pain and that is so amazing! 

On a non mother's day note, I cut Lyla J.'s hair for the 1st time on Saturday night. I loved cutting it myself. What a precious memory. She was so wonderful and sat so still. She even let me paint her toenails. It was such a great mother/daughter bonding night. Allen had the boys in the livingroom watching a movie or wrestling or something. LOL I wasn't paying one ounce of attention. Tons of pictures to follow:  

[caption id="attachment_540" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="The before"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_541" align="alignnone" width="655" caption="another before"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_543" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="The after"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_542" align="aligncenter" width="590" caption="such a doll face"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_544" align="aligncenter" width="655" caption="Looks so much better, I think! "][/caption]

Sunday morning Grandpa and Na'vi stopped by for a few minutes to play. They had went to Grandma's house to see her for mother's day before church and ran by our house to finalize lunch plans and let the kids see Na'vi.

My favorite picture of the day!

[caption id="attachment_551" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Na'vi is so gentle with Lyla. Even if she isn't as gentle with him. lol"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_554" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="He's getting so big! Beautiful!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Asher staying as far away from Na'vi as possible. He is so afraid of animals. :("][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_556" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Noah Michael and Grandpa Michael"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_555" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Yep, Jaxon is STILL in his pajamas. LOL "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_557" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Lyla yelling for Na'vi to come get her!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_552" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Allen and Dad goofing off with a "presentation of the boys soccer pictures." LOL Those two are something else!"][/caption]

 Mother's Day lunch pictures! I tried to get the kids to get take a picture, but these are the best I could get. bummer!

[caption id="attachment_559" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Not so great"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="a little bit better"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_561" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Yummy chips and salsa"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_562" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Grandpa taking off L.J.'s shoes to see her pretty painted toes. She was so happy to show them off. She's such a girlie girl sometimes!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_563" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Dad and Paula"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_565" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="My Jaxon love"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Beautiful Asher"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_564" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="Not a good picture at all, but it shows my new necklace. The older boys picked it out. I love it!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="It's our family tree! I love it!! So thoughtful! :)"][/caption]

  

 

Just another Manic Monday. . .

We had a great time at lunch today. We had to find a way to make it through this "Manic Monday" and we decided to bust out the camera. I took so many pictures, but these are the funniest ones. Lyla had just woken up from her morning nap and her hair is definitely proof of that. I hadn't cleaned up the boys faces yet and I thought it was great to get a few shots of their nasty lunch faces. Wonderful!! One day, they will be older and I will forget about all those "little" things that I did every day for them. I want to cherish them and get a good picture of the craziness that is our lives. Enjoy. . .

[caption id="attachment_506" align="aligncenter" width="221" caption="Cheese!!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_508" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption=""Sissy, look at the camera!""][/caption]

  

[caption id="attachment_509" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption="LOL"][/caption]

  

[caption id="attachment_511" align="aligncenter" width="574" caption="Silly Brothers"][/caption]

  

  

  

 

[caption id="attachment_514" align="aligncenter" width="614" caption="What a messy face!"][/caption]

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption="Scary!! LOL "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_526" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption="Deep thoughts. . ."][/caption]

  

Picture Post. . .

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600" caption="Jaxon, Logan, and Jacob"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="600" caption="Asher, Logan, and Noah! Go Holland!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="600" caption="Logan, Jaxon, and Asher @ Logan & Lance bday party!"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600" caption="Asher, Hannah, Hannah's dad and Ron @ the party"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600" caption="Soccer Pals @ the party!"][/caption]

My dear friend, Becky, sent me these pictures and I just had to share. She is such a great mom! I wish I could get back to keeping track of my pictures. Soon! It is great that our sons are on the same teams and our husbands both coach the teams. It gives us great opportunity to get some great photos. We both click away and between the two of us, we get some great pictures. Well that is if we can get our babies (Luke, Lyla, Lauren, & Noah) to be calm enough to for us to get our cameras out. LOL  Thanks so much Becky!!! Divide and conquer! LOL

One of my worst nightmares. . .

What a weekend!! I'm not really sure how this weekend took such a terrible turn, but it took that turn VERY FAST! We had soccer games and pictures on Sat. That was so much fun. . .minus the lack of sunscreen! (of all things to forget!) We finally made it through 4.5 hours at the soccer complex and got to come home to the task of washing EVERYTHING in my house. As I was cutting Jaxon's hair, I found head lice this weekend. (stop itching your head! lol) I only found 2 adult bugs, but no eggs or nits. What a blessing!! I have never had so many panic attacks in a 24 hour period. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I did a total of 37 loads of HOT water laundry. Allen cleared every room and sprayed everything that couldn't be washed. (Again, I am so thankful that we have a small house!) We worked tirelessly for a straight 12 hours and then slept for a few hours and were up again at 6 am to start laundry again. We washed every pillow, cleaned and sprayed both vehicles, took comforters to the dry cleaners, etc. As Allen was spraying everything, I was cutting and treating the boys' hair and my own. I am so happy to have boys that look great with short hair! WOO HOO  But come on now, I didn't get off that easy. . .my hair alone took 2 hours. I was so physically exhausted that my legs just shook. I was so sick to my stomach that I couldn't even think of food. I didn't eat anything until late Sunday evening. I couldn't sleep Sat. or Sun. night. My head has sores from my continuous scratching. **Let me say, we didn't find anything on anyone except Jaxon, but as a precaution we treated everyone and everything.** 

What a sick, nasty feeling. Last night (Sun.) I had a mini meltdown with anxiety. I was so scared that he would go to school and get it again. We spent over $200 in cleaning and supplies. We COULDN'T afford to do this again. I sent a note to his teacher and asked her what steps I should take to get the class checked. She is so wonderful and called us this afternoon after school. She told us that the school nurse checked the class and everyone (including Jaxon) was clean and no lice was found. WHEW!! Thank you Lord!!! I have been a lot less stressed this evening. I am so thankful!  This is our first experience with this nasty thing. I am sad that we had to go through this, but our boys were troopers and Allen and I really worked well together. I love good ol' family teamwork!! Ok, enough of that. I can't stop itching my head. lol YUCK! :) 

This morning, Lyla had her 15 month well-check. (I know almost a month late. bummer!)She is so precious. I am still in awe of having a daughter. I must sound like a broken record, but I can't shout it from the roof-top enough. . .I'm so in love with her!! Allen stayed home today and worked from home so I could take her and spend some Mama/daughter time. I am so thankful for the times I get to have one-on-one time with any of my kids. It is so special and you can really see their personalities come shining through. Even if it was for a doctor appointment and vaccinations, I am grateful to get that bonding time. While waiting for Mrs. Tena (our doctor), she just sat on my lap and played and we sang songs. It was so wonderful. . .well until the nurse came in and gave her shots. That was a major bummer. WOW She is one tough cookie. I was so proud of her. She took them like a champ. I wish I could say the same for me. I was a mess. I think it is because of the stress of the weekend. LOL  She is perfectly healthy and wonderful! I am so thankful and blessed!! 

I haven't been able to upload any of my pictures because our desktop has completely crashed. We have another one ordered and should be here in a week or so. Allen didn't want me to install my camera programs on the laptop, so I'm just working with what I have for now. Here are a few that I took with my phone and some soccer ones from our friend Becky.  She is Ron's wife/Logan, Lance, Lauren, and Luke's mother, and a great soccer MOM! We just love them. :)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="321" caption="Cool Man Joe finally fell asleep! He wouldn't take off the sunglasses. "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_480" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption="Coach Ron, his son/Asher's BFF, Lance, and Asher"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_479" align="aligncenter" width="717" caption="Noah, Asher, Lance, and Coach Ron. Thanks Becky for taking these! "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_478" align="aligncenter" width="384" caption="Noah Michael with his new shades"][/caption]

  

[caption id="attachment_476" align="aligncenter" width="377" caption="Lyla loves her new swing! :)"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_474" align="aligncenter" width="384" caption="Asher with his new shades"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="377" caption="Lyla playing peek-a-boo on Easter"][/caption]

 

[caption id="attachment_489" align="aligncenter" width="533" caption="This was from Jaxon's Kindergarten field trip. I just love his smile. Too precious! I found it on the laptop and had to post!"][/caption]

 

  

 

Happy Easter. . .

Wow, can you believe it is Easter already?! This has been such a wonderful day. Our God really provided the most incredible weather for us, didn't he?! I am just over-the-top excited. We finally decided to go and visit a new church today. After being without a church for 9 months, we decided to give it another try. A family that left CGT (Christian Gospel Temple) about the time that we moved here, (six years ago) invited us to come visit their church. We have always loved this family and come to find out they were actually neighbor to Allen's Grandparents in California years ago. So they have been family friends for years.  They are simply some of the most kind-hearted people I have ever known.  We really enjoyed the service and the time we got to spend with them. It was a different kind of Sunday, because it is the 1st Sunday of the month and Easter. Next week there will be children's church and hopefully the kids will love it.  I felt such a touch this morning. It was incredible to be in church again. I think I will just leave it at that. I only have a few more minutes before Allen is done working out and we are going to finally have a minute to talk about the day. It's been a busy one, but thankfully it has just been our family today. We decided to spend the day with each other and make memories as a family. I'm so thankful!! :)

Here are some pics from our egg hunt yesterday and some quick pictures I took this morning before church. It's been a long time since I have had to get us all ready so early in the morning. It was fun, but a little rushed. But we were NOT late!! Early actually, can you believe it?!  yay!!!

[gallery link="file" order="DESC" orderby="ID"]

Let's get down to business. . .

It's been a while since I have had a good long blog. It's been wildly busy the last couple of weeks. I don't think I have sat down at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. It has been particularly tough to feel the ability to really let my feelings out here. I have learned that a few unwanted  people have been given my blog site address and/or contents of my posts. It seems like a minor thing to most, but in my family and in-law family, it's a HUGE deal. What a bummer!  It seems that unless I disconnect myself completely from every family member I know, (which is NOT an option) I will never get rid of these people. Goodness, when I heard as a child, "It's a small world"  I never actually believed it. Well yep, it's true!

I am determined not to let them stop me. I am stronger than they give me credit for.  If they want to know about my life and my children's lives then. . .ok come on! I guess if they are cowards that can't muster up the courage to call and ask ME themselves, then oh well. It is such a short life. I want to do what I can with it. I don't and won't live in fear. I do find it funny how this entire family thinks that I am the big bad wolf. Am I that scary?? LOL LOL Seriously, get an education and get over yourselves. Insane!!! I always joke with Allen and say, "Maybe my next set of in-laws will be better" and then he says the same thing to me!  LOL

Well, Easter is right around the corner and we are clueless on plans this year. I'm was pretty bummed at first, but as I talked with others about my concerns, I think we have a plan. For some months now, we have been struggling as a family to overcome our recent "departure" for our home church (for reasons that I choose not to discuss on my blog, due to the recent "lurkers.") We have been out of church for around 8 months. It has been a nightmare. It has torn our family apart in so many different ways. But we are working through it and I KNOW we will make it through this season in our journey. I had such a heavy heart this morning. Jaxon asked me at breakfast this morning, "Mama, are we going to church to sing on Sunday? I don't think I want to this year because I don't know any of the songs." My heart just sank and it took all I had could not to cry. I sucked it up and finished getting everyone ready. After we got home from dropping off Jaxon and running our morning errands, I sat down, as the kids watch Sesame Street, and prayed. I was so saddened by the conversation this morning. I am failing them as a mother. I am letting them forget the most important thing in this journey. I have been too scared, frightened and hurt to try another place. We left everything we had ever known as a family and just didn't look back. I know how hard it has been on me and I just thought the boys were too young to really get it. Nope, they "get it." Wrong again, Mama!!!

So, we are planning on going to a church here in town. Another family that has left just as we did, has invited us to visit with them. It seems like something that we might like. I'm going to pray about it more before we make a final decision, but it is the first time I feel comfortable about the idea. Now, I just have to find Easter outfits for 6 people with only 4 days. LOL Yeah that should be fun!! I love a challenge!

Forgot to post these pictures from this past Saturday. . . I'm so behind!











This is my favorite of Noah and well it sums up the experience of coaching 6 three year olds. LOL



Jaxon and Coach Allen



Asher always looks so determined! I love it!!



Without fail, Grammie and Pa were in the crowd cheering on the boys! What a great support system! :) Jaxon and Asher had games at the same time on back-to-back fields. It was nice to have an extra set of hands to help me!